Our search....

I may have mentioned this before but when we made the decision to adopt (February 2012), we told our caseworker that we weren't going to tell anyone (except close family members and a few close friends) and that we would just put our profiles up and one day we would just show up to church with a baby! No one could say anything then right? We could avoid lot of ignorant, well intended comments that may hurt us. Sounds like a good plan right? Over the past 11 years we have experienced many angels along our path but we have just as any couple also had countless well intended (sometimes) and slightly ignorant comments made to us, yes even by close friends or family. They were never meant to hurt but they did. Infertility is such a delicate path just as any trial and this on top of the things people say can make it even harder sometimes. We were so protective of our decision to adopt, we did not want any negative feedback or anything that would take away from what we felt would be and will be a beautiful experience. I know our tender hearts were in a more delicate spot at that point and I am thankful that we grew stronger so we could feel comfortable sharing our story.

The Lord has a way of working on you and putting the right people in your path to help you along the way. My dear friend Christy was going through the adoption process, has had many close friends go through this process and was instrumental in so many ways this past year. Over time and once our adoption process was complete with paperwork, etc. Our hearts had softened and we had warmed up to the fact that making our decision to adopt would need to be made public if we were to do everything in our power to find our baby. Over time, it has become easier and easier. At first, it was awkward to give people our pass along cards but we did, we also posted our profiles on facebook and sent an e-mail out to friends and family members. This was a big step and not easy to do but still...we needed more. We knew Christmastime was the perfect time to remind people and give our cards out so we mailed and delivered goodies and cards to whomever we could! We also chose to share this with Jason's insurance agents and their offices he visits each month (there are quite a few!). This month, I called a bunch of Dr's offices and delivered packets and cards to them as well as reached out to all the high school's in the area. We have tried our best to continue to spread the word and do things that were outside of our normal comfort zone. Trust me...going to those Dr's offices for me was not easy. It was very hard indeed but when you know that the end result could possibly lead to finding your baby you will go to great lengths outside of your normal comfort zone to make it happen. I believe this is all part of the process and part of Heavenly Father plan. He loves to see us grow! :-)

We get asked quite a bit if we have had any contacts from birth mothers and how the process is going. My answer has always been the same, "Nothing solid yet but we'll keep looking!" The truth is we have had a handful of contacts and we have had a handful of people give us helpful information that we have prayerfully searched out as well. We have never wanted to turn away something someone has shared with us because we want to be open to any possible journey our Father in Heaven has in store for us. I remember each birth mother contact and have prayed diligently for them even though, we have only physically spoken to one. My heart goes out to them, I can't imagine how hard it would be to be going through that.

I remember our first hopeful...I was volunteering at school and my phone rang, it was Hannah our caseworker. My heart was pumping...I couldn't answer but she sent a text telling me to call her right away. Through a series of text messages she told me a birth mother wanted to meet with us. I called her the second I walked out of that school, I felt like I could jump out of my skin I was so excited! She then explained to me this birth mother's situation. She was 16 and due November 28th (This was in September) and the birth father was not in the picture. She wanted to place her baby and her mother was supportive of it but her father (her parents were divorced) and grandmother were completely opposed to it. She had been working with another couple but didn't feel right about them so she decided she would like to meet our family. We set up a meeting time and place, I called Jason of course right after I got off the phone, then I called my mom and of course my dear friend Natalie. We were extactic! So many thoughts were running through my mind, what should I bring to our first meeting? Will she like us? What will she be like? I called Hannah back to see if she thought my idea of what to bring to our meeting was suitable for this birth mother and she then broke the news to me that the meeting was off. What a quick roller coaster ride! The girl was going on vacation and told her she would call her when she got back. Weeks passed by and nothing ever became of it but you better bet that I thought about it all the way until November 28th! Thinking...you never know, she could change her mind and call us after she had the baby! Nope...didn't happen and that's ok because it wasn't meant to be.

Second contact...was in the middle of a ward conference when I visiting another ward's primary and I get a text message from Parent Profiles that we had an e-mail from a birth mother. Wow...again my heart was racing with excitement I could hardly wait for primary to be over! Could this one be the one I thought? I quickly called Jason on the way home and we figured out how to respond to her. Little things like sending an e-mail is a big deal when you are going through this process. Questions you would never think of all of the sudden come to mind because you don't want to say or do anything that would turn then away. We e-mailed back and forth with her & to set up a time to talk that evening. We said a prayer before calling and then called her! We were so nervous! The conversation went well, there wasn't anything that was bad about it but after we ended the conversation Jason and I both knew this wasn't meant to be. This girl was in her early 20's, she got pregnant and chose to place her baby, except her parents begged her not to. She went into pre-term labor and delivered a premi baby. Everything happened so fast that she wasn't quite prepared and so she decided to keep him. Nine months later, she knew that this was not the right thing to do and decided to place him for adoption. What amazing strength one would need to do that. I am amazed and humbled by her ability to completely forget herself and make a decision on what she knew was best for her child. We heard back from her a few days later, she lived in Utah and decided it was best to place her baby with another couple who lived closer. To be honest, we were a bit relieved, because we felt that this was not the right one for our family and we had hoped she would feel that same feeling. We did not want to have to tell her we didn't feel her child was the one who was meant to be in our family. That is such a delicate thing and we would never want to hurt someone's feelings especially when being in such a fragile place.

It is interesting how many people have asked if we put that we wanted a girl on the adoption paperwork. We of course would LOVE to have a girl but my answer is always the same. We will take whatever baby is meant to be in our family boy or girl and we truly mean that. Our little hearts would love a girl but we love our boys and would be equally as delited to have another boy. The point of adoption is not that you are just adopting someone's baby and raising them, it is that you are finding the child that is meant to be in your home with your family so for me picking the gender of the baby was not an option because we did not want to miss out on an opportunity to find our child by narrowing our choices.

Third contact....NEW YEARS EVE. Another text came through from parent profiles...I immediately checked my e-mail and showed Jason. We responded quickly and waited....2 hours for her to respond. Only for her to respond and say that she was due at the end of January and wanted to make sure that time frame was ok for us. Again...our hearts were pumping right out of our chest! Of course that would be ok! We would LOVE that! We responded right away and then waited....and waited...and waited. Nothing. I slept with my phone by my bed, just in case she were to e-mail us back and yet nothing. For the next 2 days I drove myself crazy by being glued to my phone. Everytime it buzzed, beeped or made any noise (and sometimes even when it didn't!) I checked itfor an e-mail from her. Thoughts ran through our minds, like "What if she didn't get our e-mail? What if we said the wrong thing? Should we e-mail her again?" It was painful...but by day 3 I was exhausted with hoping and thankfully felt a peace that I know our Heavenly Father was blessing me with and we let it go. About a week later, we e-mailed her just to let her know we were thinking of her and that she was in our prayers whatever decision she made and where ever her journey went we were praying for her. I can't imagine what a decision like that would feel like and how hard it would be. We never heard back from her, but I can honestly say the entire month of January there was always Jessica in the back of my mind. You hear many times that birth mothers will decide at the hospital after they have had their baby so we have made sure to try and prepare to the best of ability if that should happen.

Have we had any contacts since then? well...that will have to be blogged at a later date. :-)

Our hearts are full of gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who knows each of us, knows our needs, desires and our hopes and dreams. The hardest part is not having faith, it's knowing that His time is His time and not our time. We hope the time will soon come that we can bring our sweet little angel home and so...the journey continues...