Our Story...

I am slightly behind on my posts...but it is better late than never right?! We are excited to announce that two and a half weeks ago our adoption was finally approved and our profiles went live that week! This has been quite the journey as is for anyone who comes to this point in their life and although our story is unique because it is our own, I am certain that there are many threads within our story that are so similar to all those who have gone through this before. I felt like I needed to share our story, for whatever reason that is I may never know but as is with a lot of things in life we sometimes just do things without having to know the why...this is one of those times.

I think we all go through our childhood and teenage years with a plan, or a dream rather of what our life will be like. Especially girls...we dream of our prince charming and our happliy ever after where dreams come true with little effort and no pain. One quickly realizes that life is work and although you can have your happily ever after, it doesn't come without effort, tears, trials and much growth.

I was 18 when I met Jason, fresh out of high school and just barely out of the house. The moment I met him I knew there was something special. It was as if when I looked into his eyes, I could see right into his soul and I knew he was a good man. He treated me like a lady, always opened the door for me, always told me I looked beautiful and made me feel so special. I knew what I wanted in a husband and found those things in Jason. Was he or is he perfect?? No...but he was my kind of perfect and I fell in love with him almost instantly. Six months after we met we were married and after 9 months of being married I got pregnant with Nate. We were definitely surprised! Looking back now I realize how lucky we were for that surprise and little did I know how hard it would be to get pregnant again. I wish I would have cherished it more. Nate was and is a miracle that we are truly grateful for.

After Nate turned 2 we started trying to get pregnant again. After all...it was part of the "plan" to have 4 children spaced out every 2-3 years. I got pregnant fairly quickly but miscarried right away and finally after 9 months of trying we got pregnant again. I was 20 weeks along when I went into my routine Dr. apppointment. I can still remember that day...at that time we only had one car and I was without a car that day. I was going to cancel my Dr. appointment but decided to call my sister in law to take me anyways. I went in as usual, the Dr. weighed me (every pregnant woman's favorite part besides peeing in a cup) and we checked for the heart beat. I think back on how naive and innocent I was at this point...because even after the Dr. went to get an ultrasound and another Dr.'s opinion I still had no clue what was going on. It was the other Dr. that said "I'm so sorry." "Sorry for what?" I thought...still was not getting it. Perhaps it was the pregnancy brain kicking in or my deep blonde roots. When it was explained to me that there was no heart beat and that my baby was not alive I was in shock, devastated and did not understand. They sent me over to get another ultra sound to confirm that the baby had indeed passed. It was heart wrenching to see my baby on the monitor, so still and lifeless. How could this happen? I had never even heard or known anyone that had this happen to them. It was all so hard to digest and let sink in.

I remember going into the hospital the next day where we had to go in to deliver her(we later found out our baby was a girl). I still felt like she was moving inside me and insisted that they do another ultra sound. It was so hard to accept that our baby was gone. Delivering a baby at the hospital and coming home empty handed is not an experience I would wish on anyone. Going back to church the following Sunday was so hard. Only a few people knew so I was bombarded with the question of "Did you find out what you were having?!" As we were supposed to find out what we were having that next week. Such an innocent question that caused such deep pain to resurface time and time again. I also had a sister in law that was pregnant and due one month after me, I had close friends that were pregnant at the same time...all were so hard to be around at that time. The best way that I can describe what I felt was that my arms literally ached for our child. I deeply mourned the loss of something that was once growing inside my body. Even through this difficult trial, we had many amazing friends who were so wonderful that helped me through this time in our lives. I am forever grateful for those angels that God placed in my path at that time. I know they were truly instruments in His hands.

After two losses, a year went by and then another one. No infertility Dr. would even look at me because they said I did not have infertility problems. They won't even look at you unless you have tried for a year and I did...but then I would miscarry. Finally, as much as I hate to admit this I lied...yes I did. I was fed up and lied to get into the Dr. I knew there was something wrong and I wasn't about to wait another year and suffer any more miscarriages to find out. Dr. Sawyer was the Dr. I got into see. He was amazing and just what I needed. A kind and loving man...a patient man who truly had feeling for what his patients were going through. Finally, after some testing, and 5 months of infertility drugs we got pregnant with Tyson. I cherished being pregnant, but I also was scared to death. Scared to go to the bathroom and afraid I would see blood, scared to go to the Dr. and not hear a heartbeat, scared that I would not be able to hold our baby in my arms. I remember at one point (as I had gone in a few extra times just to hear his heartbeat) on one particular visit Dr. Sawyer asked if he could pray with me. He said a simple and sweet prayer but I felt such peace and comfort afterwards. He is a good Christian man and I am grateful to have had him as my Dr. while going through this pregnancy. We delivered Tyson Daniel Mariner on August 23rd, 2004. What healing that brought to my soul and finally...my aching arms could be filled with our new bundle of joy! A true gift from Heaven and one we are eternally grateful for.

Thinking that my days of infertility were "figured out" and that we knew what was wrong we waited a year to start trying again. After a year on clomid, Dr. Sawyer could no longer help me. So I went to Dr. Seal who is a 50 minute drive away but came highly recommended by many people. He was going to be the Dr. to help get me pregnant...I was sure of it! The short version of a 5 year journey with Dr. Seal...is many many months of infertility medications, a new diagnosis or should I say additional diagnosis, 3 artificial inseminations, 2 laproscopies and countless Dr. appointments. He was a great Dr., we tried everything he knew but nothing worked. After having another specialist review my file he determined that I was previously misdiagnosed and I would need a different kind of surgery. On to Dr. #3, who seemed overly optimistic at my chances of getting pregnant. We had #3 surgery, 5 artificial inseminations and several months of the awesome infertility meds...to find out yet another problem. At this point, we had three choices as I see it. 1)Invitro 2) Adopt or 3)Do nothing and be done having kids. Number 3 was not an option, I knew our family was not complete and I wasn't about to give up now. Adoption was never something that Jason or I ever considered or wanted to do but I know unfortunately that Heavenly Father knew we had to get to this point in our lives to consider it.

About a year and a half ago I was at a dear friend's baby shower brunch. We were in the thick of infertility treatments at that point in time but the topic of adoption came up. My dear friend Christy who I did not know at the time was going in for her "intake" meeting with LDS Family Services. The girl sitting next to me on the left had adopted two kids and the girl on the right was the advoate for birth mom's in our Stake. I am not a crier by nature, I generally try to be happy and not dwell on the sad stuff but this day it hit me. My poor friend even called worried that I had been offended. It takes a lot to offend me, that was far from the case. Although I did not realize it then, I know now that it was the spirit touching my heart. Yet..I still was reistant. I remember calling Jason and saying "Maybe we are supposed to adopt?!". We weren't ready yet but I know we were being prepared. Over the next several months and after my 5th insemination when I was told my chances of getting pregnant with insemination were now 4-6% we were left with those 3 choices, adoption, invitro or nothing. Any way I looked it we knew would be a difficult road, there was no easy path at this point. After a few days of getting over the initial shock of the news I was blessed to feel a great peace that all would be well...whatever that meant, I knew everything would be ok.

Around this same time our Stake realigned all the ward boundaries and I ended up in my friend Christy's ward. I know it was not a coincidence we became friends. She has been such a help in so many ways. After talking with her about some of our concerns and fears with adoption, we decided to go to the Adoption Academy in January. What an experience that was...it was humbling and overwhelming at the same time. After leaving the academy, we still did not know what direction to take. We prayed and fasted many times but still nothing. A short while later though in a quiet moment in the night, when everyone was asleep my answer came and a few weeks later for Jason. I did not tell Jason my answer, I wanted him to come to it on his own and he did. I don't know why but I was so nervous we would get different answers. Although we knew going into this that it would not be an easy road and one that we never thought we would take, we both knew it was the right way to go. We started the adoptoin process at the end of February and after months of a LOT of work and preparation, we were finally approved just a few short weeks ago.

When we first started this process I did not want anyone to know. I just wanted to quietly show up to church one day with a baby. I think neither of us were ready yet for any comments that would come our way. After dealing with 10+ years of "well intentioned" comments with our infertility situation, we were slightly protective of this new decision and did not want it tainted by anyone else's view or opinion. I had already shared with one friend that we were considering adoption and the comment was "Oh no, you don't want to do that you need to do invitro so you can have your own baby." A common misonception perhaps that adoption is about taking someone else's baby. True, they are biologically theirs and will always be their birth parents. I would never take that away from them, but I firmly believe and know that the children placed through adoption are meant to be in those families. For us, we know that this was the path that the Lord had intended for us, that our child that is meant to be in our family will soon come. The Lord has ways of preparing you and softening your heart when needed, I hope that I can always be ready to listen to those promptings. As time went on, we realized that we needed to do everything in our power to find our baby. We were ready to shield any comments and accept the good with the bad or the "well intented". I am so glad we did because it has been an extremely humbling experience to share this with others. One that I will cherish and am so grateful to have experienced.

It's hard to believe after so many years of saying "if we have a baby" that we can say "when we have a baby." We are excited and nervous all bundled up with many other emotions inside and we are hopeful that we will be able to once again have a miracle in our home.

We are truly blessed and know that when our time comes we will know it is right. We have faith and know that our Heavenly Father knows us and knows our prayers and the desires of our heart. We are grateful for this journey and the growth that it has given us. We are blessed to have wonderful family and friends who are a great support and thankful that they are here with us on this journey.