Our Adoption Journey

Where do I even begin? It's been almost a year now to date that we met the birth mother of our sweet daughter and all along the way I kept saying to myself "you need to find the time to journal, write this down...you don't want to forget!" Yet, life happens and here I am just about to begin our story.

March 28th at 9:13 pm was the first time we heard from our birth mother. Up until that point, we had received enough contacts from birth mother's that it's sad to say at this stage in the process we were skeptical of anyone who contacted us. The first handful of contacts sent our hearts and minds racing with anticipation, wondering if this could be the one. Besides our birth mother (I will refer to her as our birth mother even though of course she is Megan's but she is part of our family as well and for me it just feels natural to call her that) we only met with one other set of birth parents in February of last year. They contacted us on February 6th...we set up a meeting for the 11th and prepared to meet them. Yes...them...they were a married couple who had 3 kids and got pregnant with a 4th. They didn't feel that there was room in their life for another, therefore they were considering adoption. It was hard in some aspects for us to meet with them. Imagine being in our shoes or anyone else in this situation where you have tried and exhausted all of your physical and mental strength on trying to conceive and then there is a married couple, who are by all appearances is capable of caring for another child but yet don't want him/her because it would be too inconvenient. I was trying so hard not to pass judgment because truly we had no idea what their real situation was and what the intent of their heart was. It just was very hard for us to wrap our heads around at the time but we really knew as hard as it was to understand, that this could possibly be our child so we knew that we needed to meet with them. Let me just say that so many thoughts race through your mind before a meeting like that, it's indescribable. You wonder if this is it, could she be the one....what should you wear, what should you say, what should you bring and so on. In your mind, every detail counts. It's nerve racking and yet exciting and yet there was a large part of us that I think already knew this wasn't the one. I think at the time I wasn't sure if it was because I was having a hard time with the fact that they were married or the fact that not even 24 hours after setting up a meeting with this couple did we get a message from another birth mother in Mesa. We had what seemed to be an instant connection with her. Over the course of the next several days (and weeks) we sent several messages back and forth talking about a variety of things. She sent us a picture of her and the birth father and can I just say that she was absolutely adorable! The birth father had blonde hair, blue eyes, was tall and handsome (he looked just like my dad when he was a teenager). We honestly felt like this really could be it. So we went from having zero contacts to two strong possibilities. So we met with this couple, they brought their youngest daughter with who was adorable, they both seemed very nice and there wasn't anything wrong that happened or anything bad... it just didn't feel right. I don't know about Jason but I think it's safe to say that during the whole meeting we were thinking about this other birth mother for she had truly already captured our hearts and we hadn't even met her yet. Even still, we went home and prayed about it. We knew, the couple wasn't right for us, not because they were married or even because of the other birth mother but because we just knew it wasn't right. We then had to e-mail the couple and let them know. What an awful thing to have to do. It definitely wasn't easy...how do you tell someone who is willing to give you their baby that it's not right? Just as much as we may not have fully understood their reasons for placing we knew they may not understand our reasons for feeling the way we did. We did send them an e-mail and heard back fairly quickly from them wishing us well. I am honestly so curious what ever happened to them and if they actually did follow through with the placement. We tried to get her set up with LDS Social Services but I don't think she wanted much to do with that and never contacted them. I hope and pray their situation turned out for what was best for their child.

In the mean time, Our caseworker then tried to help set up a meeting with the other birth mother and that's where things got a little sticky for we learned that we most likely would not be meeting with her anytime soon as the birth father had to agree upon everything and that had not happened. After almost 2 months of messaging this sweet girl and feeling that she could most definitely be the one we were told to move on and that IF there was ever a possibility of us meeting they would let us know. We did everything we could, we prayed, we went to the temple, I put their entire family's names on several temple prayer rolls and we still stayed in touch with her. All we could do was to have faith that in the end everything would work out the way it was supposed to be.

In the mean time, we were doing everything we could to spread the word which if you know us was very hard to do. We had cards with our information on it, little booklets I put together that were dropped off at all the Dr.'s offices in Surprise and any high school that would permit. Funny thing is the high school that I dropped off my stuff at ended up being the high school that our birth mother went to, also one of the OB offices I dropped our stuff at happened to be her OB office (just a little fun coincidence). We posted our profile on Facebook (which...was how our birth mother found us in a round about way that is)a handful of times (how awkward it is to be posting it and asking people to share!! It's soooo hard but we knew we had to get passed ourselves if we were going to find our baby), we gave cards to each of Jason's insurance agents during Christmas time and asked them to pass along the news...really anything we could and were remotely comfortable with...we did. Yes we pushed ourselves outside...way outside of our comfort zone and hoped that something we were doing would work. We had a handful of other contacts in the mean time from birth mothers. One of which we now realize was a prank (there is a special place for someone like that...), several which would contact us and say "I want to place my baby with you" and we would e-mail them back and nothing...no response. We also heard from a homeless birth mother, a hearing impaired birth mother whom we had a few conversations with but never heard from again, spoke to a girl who got such a kick out of our answering machine message (that had Jason speaking in his Yoda voice) that she made Jason speak in his "Yoda voice" (not awkward at all...not at all). Every time we would receive a contact from a birth mother, our dear friend would get right in and do some digging with us...often times she would find out the scoop before we could! I love her for that. We would search Facebook, Google, anything we could just to see if we could find a picture or anything about them. I hope that doesn't sound too pathetic lol. But you want to know! You want to know what they look like, or any information you can find. Who wouldn't?! Why would it be fair that they get to know everything about us and we not know anything about them right? :-) Honestly, we had fun doing it and seeing what the other could find. I thank my lucky stars that we had such amazing support from family and friends during this journey because I know that it was through their support, prayers and tears that got us where we are today.

We really honestly tried to be as open as we possibly could and so we pursued everything we could so we did not miss out on any opportunity to find our baby. It is a roller coaster ride and as I said before the first handful of contacts were like being on the highest point of a roller coaster ride only to be swooped right back down again. For some maybe their first contact is their birth mother, I think for many that is not the case and we realized to just take a deep breath when we would get an e-mail or a phone call and pray that the spirit would guide us in the right direction.

So...you can understand that when we received a message from our birth mother (because of everything we had been through up until that point) we were somewhat skeptical of any e-mail or contact we got because so far nothing had panned out. I don't even know if the word skeptical is right, more or less just a lot more reserved about the contacts we did get. We e-mailed back and forth a few times and set up a meeting. We were nervous of course and most definitely the same thoughts went through our minds wondering what the meeting would go like...will she like us...what will she be like...will she like what we brought for her...what are her expectations and thoughts...and of course a million other things. Since I love to bake cookies, I decided to make her some as well as we also brought her a book that was one my mom let me read right when we decided to adopt. It was a fabulous book and one I think anyone placing for adoption or considering it would benefit from reading. Back in September (of 2012) shortly after we got approved for adoption, we had a birth mother that wanted to meet with us. She was due in a few months and having a girl (you can imagine how elated we were at the thought of having a girl!), we set up a meeting and I instantly ordered the book, wrote a little something inside the cover and wrapped it up ready to go. That meeting never happened and so I saved the book and this is the one we gave our birth mother. Funny how I never even thought to give it to the other couple we met with, I think I just knew that it would be used for a special purpose. So, with cookies and book in hand we went to Olive Garden on April the 5th for lunch to meet our birth mother and her dad. I don't remember many details of our meeting (again...could kick myself for not journaling about it) but I do know that there was a special spirit that was felt and a peaceful feeling. It turns out that we only lived about 10 minutes from each other, we know a lot of the same people and our paths had crossed before. Her mom was the one who saw someone she was friends with on Facebook share our profile and thought to save it if she ever knew of anyone who she could send it to. About a week later, was when they found out our birth mother was expecting. She sent her our profile and told her not to contact us unless she was sure she was going to place her baby for adoption. Our birth mother says she looked at it and thought we looked like a nice family but was not considering adoption at that point. It was about a month later after much thought and prayer and searching other profiles that she decided this was the right thing to do and then contacted us.

After meeting with her we knew this was something that we felt good about but we also felt so bad about the birth mother we had been in contact with for the past 2 months. Although it was hard we had to contact her and let her know that we were chosen by another birth mother and that we felt this was right. It was difficult to do...I cried and felt terrible. Given her situation and of course looking back I know that we would not have had the opportunity to meet with her. Why she was placed in our path we may never know, but I can say that I still think of her and have tried to stay in touch as best as we could to let her know that we still loved her. She actually had her son within a few weeks of Megan being born and chose a lovely family who I am sure is adoring him and will take great care of him. We have no regrets and know that we made the right choice. After our meeting and over the course of the next 6 1/2 months we were in regular contact with our birth mother. I was able to go to all the Dr. appointments with the exception of one while I was out of town. What a blessing that was! It was really hard for me to wrap my head around it especially at first. Within a few week of us meeting she was having some spotting so she went to the Dr. and she invited me to go where she actually got an ultra sound and I was able to see Megan for the first time. Sitting there, looking at her, looking at the screen I am thinking in my mind "Is this really for real?? Is this really going to be my baby?" I think having two biological children, it may have been especially difficult to wrap my head around it the fact that I am sitting in a chair while someone else is lying in the Dr.'s office bed getting an ultrasound for the child that is supposed to be in my family. It was during that appointment that we learned we maybe having a girl. Even though she was only 13 weeks along, the technician was able to use some measurements and special techniques to figure out that there was a good chance she was a girl. It was a really unique experience because on one hand, you want to be excited and on the other you are always preparing yourself for the worst. In fact it's funny because the number one thing people will ask you is "Is she going to change her mind?" I wish I had had a crystal ball lol...what could I say but "Certainly we hope not, but we know that it is always a possibility". You have to hope and have faith for the best and in some ways prepare yourself for the worst as best as you can. I had a conversation with an old friend about a month or so before she was born, where she went on and on about how scary adoption is and how birth mothers can take their babies back and how it has happened before, etc. After a while of this, I stopped her and explained to her that we know there are risks and we choose to remain positive and have faith because truly there is only one who is in control and that is God, no matter how much we like to think we are in control we are not. We knew that whatever road we had to take and no matter how bumpy it was that we would be able to find the child that was meant to be in our family. Why focus on all the "what if's" and not be able to enjoy the moment? Don't get me wrong, there were times when it was hard but we knew without a doubt that all would be well no matter what the outcome. So in some aspects you want to relish and savor every moment such as during the ultrasound and in other aspects it can be so difficult to do.

Our birth mother is amazing in many ways and one thing she really did well is that she included us in on her pregnancy and the experience. I felt a part because she made me feel a part of things. I was able to go to the Dr. appointments with her and be involved in everything possible. For a long time I had secretly hoped that I could have what I thought would have been the "easy adoption". A birth mother delivers, we get a call that she has chosen us and we go pick our baby up at the hospital. How selfish of me right?! There are situations like that, that do happen!! I used to secretly wish that it would happen to us. But wow! Look at all we would have missed out on?! Where would the growth have been in that? Looking back, I know that what I once thought would be an easy road would have had it's definite downsides. The truth is I wouldn't have wanted it any other way and I'm grateful to be able to tell Megan we were able to be such a part of everything. We saw our birth mother quite often and almost every time there was a Dr. appointment we would go out for lunch after, we also had many times where we went shopping (of course!) for her, for the baby and just for fun. She wanted us to be a part and she really did a great job of doing that. One time we got together to make the "little miss" some bracelets, she came and swam with us last summer, had dinner at our house, met my parents, Jason's dad and his wife and was and has been a part of our lives ever since. She is mature in many ways and she was always thoughtful in her decisions which as you know is typically not a characteristic of teenagers. Things like the fact that she thought about what detergent I would want to use (I don't think I even knew with Nate I was supposed to use a different detergent!), she wanted me to show her how to properly clean the bottles, etc. In some ways she was more prepared than me! She was so thoughtful in all her decisions regarding the baby, we truly were impressed especially for a young woman her age.

She ended up having a very difficult pregnancy the last 3 months or so as they discovered she had multiple gal stones in her gal bladder as well as one that got loose and went into the bile duct which not only caused her a tremendous amount of pain but also required her to have a surgery to remove it. She had to be on some heavy pain medication to help with the pain for the last 6 weeks of her pregnancy. It's interesting how Dr.'s treat a young teenage pregnant girl, it's honestly rather frustrating. They really dismissed her for a while with her pain and didn't do much until she couldn't bare it any longer. I witnessed how she was treated by some of the nurses at the hospital before her surgery and it was so frustrating. I wanted so bad to step in, but that is not my nature and I never wanted to come across as overbearing which looking back I definitely feel I could have and should have been more vocal and a better advocate for her. It is such a strange spot to be in as I never wanted to do something that would have upset her or overstep my bounds and so although I was a support, I know I could have done a better job and I feel bad looking back that I didn't. The Dr. should have done a lot of things but didn't. She should have been going to a pain management Dr. or an OBGYN that was for high risk because of her situation but she didn't know any better and sadly neither did I until I realized the affects of what they gave her had on Megan and I'm sure on her body as well. I feel like they just treated this situation as if she didn't matter, just another pregnant teenager and that's wrong...she deserved to have the same respect given to all the other married pregnant women coming into that office and regardless of the situation she was in, there still was a baby inside of her that they needed to care a little more about making sure she was healthy. Nothing to be done about it now but if I am ever in this position again for whatever reason I vow to make sure better treatment is rendered on their behalf. What an awful experience for anyone to have to go through but especially a teenager. Our hearts went out to her for what she had to endure. She was a trooper about it and I have tremendous respect for all she had to endure.

The next several months flew by in what felt like a race to get everything done before the baby was born. We put an offer in on a house within a few days after meeting our birth mother and moved a month and a half later. We completely gutted the house with all new flooring and paint which ended up being nothing short of a disaster (another post for sure!) The next several months we spent with packing, moving, painting, preparing our old home for renters and endless projects. We had a lot to do and I know my sense of urgency with the home was due to the fact that I wanted to be able to have the house far enough along that I could enjoy Megan fully when she came. The months went by so quickly and before we knew it, the kids had started school (yes KIDS - Nate finally went back to school)and the baby was almost here.

A little while before Megan was born I got a text one day from our birth mother letting me know that she had decided she would like to take the baby home for a couple days after she delivered. It wasn't something we were expecting as earlier on she said it was something she could never do because she knew it would be too hard. So...it definitely caught us off guard. It was a hard day. I did cry and I allowed myself to fear. On one hand...I understood where she was coming from and we wanted her to do things just the way she needed and wanted so that she could have no regrets, but it doesn't mean it wasn't hard on the other side. Both my sisters took their babies home after delivering (when previously having decided on adoption) and both changed their minds (although things did end up turning out). I am a mother, I know...I know when you see your child how much love you have for them and I knew it could make it that much harder in some aspects for her to follow through with her decision. I would have obviously loved to swoop that little baby in our arms and bring her home from the hospital but that was not what our birth mother wanted and when you are going through this process you have to understand clearly that this is their journey that you are allowed to be a part of. Who could blame us for wanting to be able to take Megan home with us but who could also blame her for wanting to have just a few days with her to herself...without the hustle and bustle of the nursing staff and without all the distractions of being there in the hospital. While it was a difficult day and fear initially crept into my mind and my heart, I was blessed with the opportunity to have an amazing conversation with her later that night that gave peace and comfort to my soul. She is so mature in so many ways. The thing is, she didn't just make that decision in one day she thought about it, pondered and prayed and knew that that was what could help her heal. Who were we to ever tell her otherwise? We wouldn't and we couldn't...becuase more than anything we wanted her to be able to have everything just the way she needed it to be. Yes it was difficult...but we never entered into this thinking it was going to be easy. My friend said it perfectly the other day when she said "you had your own personal gethsemane" going through the adoption...and she is right.

It wasn't long before the Dr. finally decided it would be best for the baby not to have her go full term and she was scheduled for an induction on Sunday, October 6th at 9:00 pm. It's funny because looking back that particular day (October 6th) we were invited over to a friends house for dinner where there were other families, one of which had adopted 3 children. The subject of adoption came up and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I wanted so badly to yell from the roof tops that we were going in that evening to have our baby!! But I didn't...I couldn't. I knew those next several days were going to be a roller coaster ride and I just couldn't bare having a full cart there with us. From the very beginning we had visions of showing up to church one day with a baby in our arms not having told a single soul. That was unrealistic but that's where we started. We grew (thanks to an amazing friend who was so instrumental in so much of this process) to realize we had to branch out and let people know we had to shout it from the roof tops and do whatever was necessary to bring our baby home to our family. But...we didn't have to share the details and we didn't have to share the process. For some it is healing to be able to do that. For us...we just aren't that way. We are more private and although I hope we did not hurt anyone by doing this I know that it was the best way for us because even for the small amount of people that did end up knowing before we made the announcement that she was here...it was hard. Everyone has such wonderful intentions but what I quickly realized is there were only a few people who I knew I could tell things to because sometimes the reaction of others and the strong opinions of others were too much to bear. When you are trying so hard to stay positive, to keep your faith and to stay grounded sometimes telling others what is going on is not the best thing because then you start to doubt. As I stated before, the number one question asked before was "Is she going to change her mind?" and the number one question asked since is "Can she take the baby back?" An innocent question and one that seems to be at the top of everyone's mind. The answer to number one...no she didn't. Are there girls that do, yes. The answer to question number two, "She signed her rights and the only way she could get the baby back would be to take us to court and prove we are unfit parents." I'm sure there have been situations where birth mothers have gotten their baby back, I have no doubt about that. Every state has their own laws and all I know is Arizona law. I know our birth mother, and I know she wouldn't do that. She has no reason to. So I suspect that perhaps for the rest of our lives we may be asked that 2nd question and that's ok because I know people are curious and I would wonder too. I will say though...that those aren't the kind of questions you desire to field when you are at the highest point in your journey. So yes, we did protect ourselves and tried to shield as much as we could as to make this as positive as it could be. What I can say is that we were immensely blessed to have a great support system and to have each other. Jason was a rock, he never faltered or waivered. I am so glad to have had him standing by my side for the few times I had let fear creep into my soul he was right there to say everything would be ok. What a blessing that was. What a blessing it was to have close friends who played an intricate part in our journey, family members and even some unexpected acquaintances that all played a part in helping us through.

And so the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new chapter began. Our poor birth mother endured 3 days of labor to get her body ready for delivery. It was a slow, slow process and one that would send anyone into a frazzled state of mind. For the next three days I was back and forth at the hospital barely sleeping, one time sleeping in a waiting room on a hospital couch and being kicked out at 5 am (having gone to bed around 2 am). Yes...it was a long night but let me tell you the tender mercy that I was blessed with that evening. In the beginning the birth father was not in the picture and signed his rights away soon after we met our birth mother. As time went on and the birth got closer she was able to talk with him and we were able to meet him a few times before the birth. He is a sweet kid and although outward appearances might appear otherwise he is a gentle soul. We were grateful to have been able to meet him but it was only two times before the delivery. When I spent the night in the hospital, he was there in the waiting room and we were able to spend some time together, watch a few movies and even get some breakfast. This was such a neat experience for me and one I am truly grateful for because it allowed me to be able to get to know him better and vice versa. After having spent the night in the hospital and no progress was made with our birth mother I went home to get some rest and get some things done. I remember getting some updates from her and her mom and the last update I got was that she was a 5 and it would be at least a few hours before the baby could come. So I sat down to do what anyone would do in that situation...I balanced the checkbook. Yup...hardly exciting right? As I was in the middle of balancing the checkbook I then got a text from our birth mother saying she was dilated to a 9 and was about ready to deliver. My heart jumped out of my chest and I raced to the car, calling Jason to get him to the hospital. I was so excited and nervous!!! While the original plan was to have me in the room when she delivered, because of the long labor she endured and then the quick change finally from a 2 to a 5 to a 9, she decided she just wanted it to be her and her mom but said that I could wait outside the door. We got there and waited...and finally her mom text and said she was about to push. I can vividly remember standing outside that door, hearing this sweet birth mother, her mom and the nurses. I could hear her cry, I could hear them cheer and finally SHE came. October 8th - 2013 at 4:27 pm, marked the day and time our lives changed forever. I could hear them say "she's here!!! You did it!!" As tears were streaming down my face so many emotions and thoughts went through my mind and body. So much of me wanted to be in there, so much of me wanted to be delivering this baby so she did not have to endure that, so much of me was excited, fearful and sad all at the same time. I could hear her scream (she had found her lungs the instant she came out lol) and I could hear the tender sounds of a family in love with this sweet little angel. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that she was to be ours, that she was the one meant to be in our family but yet...feeling like such an intruder of some sort, an outsider and feeling like for lack of better words, a baby stealer. How could we possibly go through with this??? This was hard. As the minutes passed by and nurses came in and out of the room every time staring at me but yet not giving me the high sign to go in...finally one came and told me I was no longer allowed to stand outside and I would have to go to the waiting room. My heart sank and tears crept up in my eyes as I walked back down through the doors to tell Jason it was not time yet. Just as I sat down however, our birth mothers dad came out with a huge grin on his face and pictures to show us on his phone. What a sweet gesture that was and I know it kept me from falling apart right there in that waiting room. An hour after she delivered we were able to go in and see her. It is really hard to wrap your head around the situation even all along and try to grasp that your child is growing in someone else's body. That this is the child that is meant to be in your family but you have zero say and zero control over anything. You want to attach yourself because that is the natural thing to do and yet there is another side of you that creeps in and says "but what if you attach yourself and she changes her mind?" It's like you have one person on your shoulder saying "Enjoy the experience, take in everything you can" and the other person on the other shoulder saying "But what if you do...if she changes her mind it'll hurt that much more". You really have to shut out all those thoughts and just live in the moment. I really think we tried to do that as best as we could. We were blessed to have had such a great relationship with her and to have had some amazing conversations that really helped us through. It's not that we didn't trust her, it's not that we didn't have faith. It's just something that naturally your mind goes to in that kind of a situation especially because you know having children how hard it would be to follow through with a decision like that. It was hard to not be in the delivery room as I had previously anticipated being a part of...yes absolutely but more than anything I am so glad for her that she had her mom and her dad in there with her to experience that together as a family. I am not sure my feelings would have been much different seeing it verses hearing it. Still a very difficult situation to be in and still one that will be cherished and held close forever.

When we got the chance to go back to the room, we got to hold her, take some pictures with her as well as with our birth mother and then we left. I am not even certain we stayed 10 minutes in that room. How could we? After all this poor girl had endured the past few months of a very difficult pregnancy and several days of labor, we just didn't feel it would be appropriate. We also wanted to be respectful of her time with Megan and didn't want to be intrusive on that time. I went to dance after a few hours of being home...exhausted...tired and emotionally drained. I'm not sure it was the best thing but it was something to distract me and take me away for a little bit from reality. So many thoughts and things to think about, when would she be released, when would we be able to have her in our home, where is our place for the next few days? Although we had a strong relationship with our birth mother and loved her dearly, you can't change the fact of the nature of the situation. The nature is this girl grew a precious angel in her body for 9 months, endured a lot of pain and discomfort and now was preparing to give her to us for the rest of her life and throughout eternity. Hardly a small thing to be going through and I'm sure on so many levels there were a lot of emotions going through both of our hearts and minds. We did sent her a text that night and just said that we would have loved to have stayed longer and hold that sweet baby but we knew that she needed rest and we wanted her to be able to have as much time with her as possible. The last thing we wanted was for her to think we didn't want to stay. That had nothing to do with it. It had everything to do with respecting her and her time.

The next morning she text and asked if I could come in that day to help her with the baby. After being emotionally frazzled and unsure of my place at that time I was overjoyed to get the text and was of course ecstatic to be able to spend some time with our birth mother and Megan. When I got there, her dad was there holding the "little miss". What a sweet dad she has. We love him. I can't picture many dad's spending the night in an uncomfortable room and caring for their grandchild. He loves babies and loved little Megan right from the start. It was apparent...which made it even more difficult because I saw how much they loved her already and thought again...how can we do this? How can we take this sweet angel from them when they love her so much? It would have still been hard not knowing the birth parents and grandparents but I will say it made it more difficult in this regard knowing them and loving them...as you know that the thing that is going to cause you the greatest joy will be what causes them pain. Our birth mother was so sweet and so mature and would always reassure me that it was ok. This was her decision that she knew was right. She was so happy to be able to do this for us and so happy to make our dreams come true. She is an angel. When her dad left to get a little sleep and head off to work her grandparents came. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and or how to act. It was another one of those situations. Should I leave and give them their time? Do they want me to stay? I was excited to be able to meet them and glad that I had that opportunity. Although our birth mother's grandfather whole heartedly supports adoption, he did not necessarily agree with open adoption. I understand. It's not what he was used to and open adoptions are a fairly new thing. I remember her grandmother saying something to affect that maybe I was glad that at least I didn't have to go through labor, etc. Naturally, I think many people probably think that and I don't blame her for saying that. However, in my heart it couldn't have been farther from the truth. I told her I would have done it in a heart beat so that she didn't have to. I would have taken that from her if I could have for I loved her dearly.

After her grandparents left our poor birth mother was so exhausted that she was finally able to fall asleep and get some rest. It's very surreal to be sitting in a hospital room, with your baby and her birth mother. Having a still moment, to watch this little baby and to know that truly our Father in Heaven has guided our paths to meet and to be intertwined forever. My heart was filled with such gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers our prayers maybe not in the time frame that we want or expect and maybe not how we initially want them to be answered but he does answer them. What an honor it was to be there with the both of them. Although I had to leave for a brief time to grab my stuff for the evening I was able to spend the day and the night with Megan and our birth mother. We also got to enjoy some time with the birth father as well so he could come and spend some time with them. Although it was wonderful in many ways you still feel unsure. Not that I was unsure of her thoughts or intentions it was more like what is my place in this right now? I don't want to hog Megan, I am here to help but I don't want to be overbearing either. So I tried as best as I could to ask her if she wanted to feed her or if she would like some help, to ask if she wanted to hold her or change her diaper, etc. I just didn't want to take anything away from her that she wanted to be able to do and yet, I was elated to be able to help and to be able to be a part. What a neat thing I can tell Megan that I was able to spend the night at the hospital with her and her birth mother. I am so grateful I had that opportunity. We dressed her up in a cute little onsie with one of the bracelets our birth mother made for her, we took pictures and had a lot of fun enjoying her. The night was a little rough and it was clear miss Megan only wanted to sleep one way and that was to be held. :-) I didn't mind one bit and loved that I was able to do that.

The next day was a Thursday and I was supposed to meet the pediatrician, Dr. Pham who came by before and expressed that he needed to be able to meet me. After waiting a while, the nurses finally said he wouldn't be able to be there until the afternoon. I left and came home and then went back again. At the time Dr. Pham came in the room, our birth mother's dad was there and she was in the bathroom. He started making a big fuss about how the baby had to be released that day by 4:27 otherwise the insurance would not cover her because it would be passed 48 hours. He assumed Jason and I were taking her home and let's just say he did not exhibit a great deal of compassion for the situation when we expressed that would not be happening and the she would be taking the baby home for a few days. Typically, women are released between 24-48 hours after delivery but our birth mother could not leave yet (due to some complications she had during birth). I felt so bad for her when she came out of the bathroom to walk right into this discussion. I wasn't quite sure what to do or what to say other than that the baby would be staying with her. He was making such a big deal of it and for me it was just awkward and I felt bad for our birth mother. Thankfully, a nurse came in and straightened everything out. I don't know why Dr. Pham was so crazy about it. Especially in a situation like that, he should have handled it with a lot more tenderness and compassion. What the nurse explained is that the baby could stay she just wouldn't be under their care. Why was that so difficult for Dr. Pham to explain??? That I don't know...but I am grateful for the nurse that came in and smoothed things over. After that, I left and went home (I'm sure to sleep lol).

Thursday evening Jason and I went to the hospital late to see our birth mother and the baby. We had a blanket made for each of them that we wanted to give before she went home. Our thought was she could wrap little Megan up in the one blanket and herself in the other and switch them when it came time to bring her to us. That evening was an interesting experience and one that definitely caught us off guard. When I left on Thursday after seeing Dr. Pham, everything seemed fine. I think perhaps as the day went on things started to get rough for her physically and emotionally which I did not know (although it is completely understandable). I had sent her a text to see if it would be ok if we stopped by that evening to bring her something but never heard anything back so I assumed she was resting or just needed some time to herself. The last thing we wanted to do was to overwhelm her or take away from her time with Megan so we understood if she did not want us there. A few hours after I text her, I heard from her mom asking if we were still coming. I told her we would love to, we just weren't sure if she was ok with that. She said that was fine and that they were going to take a little walk around to get her out of the room so to let her know when we were coming. I text her when we were on our way and was really not prepared at all for what happened next. As we walked out of the elevators and through the double doors, we were just about to walk passed the nurses station when they told us "Wait, wait, wait, stop...wait right here." So we waited and really had no idea what was going on. I honestly thought there was some celebrity or somebody who didn't want to be seen that was being wheeled down the hall. We waited there a few minutes and we were then were given the "ok" to go back to the room. As we opened the door, there was the nurse standing there with the baby but no one else was in the room. I may not have initially thought much because they were supposed to go for a walk except the look on the nurses face was clear something was not right. Instantly my heart sank and we asked the nurse where they were. She said they were in another room and perhaps they thought more people were coming and were not up for a lot of visitors. Confused, we told her no it was just us. So she went to talk to them and as she came back she told us our birth mother had been crying since she got on her shift and was having a hard time and that she did not want us to see her like this. That was one of the hardest moments in this journey. Here is someone we love in the other room going through what no mother would wish on her worst enemy and here we were. I know we were not the ones to cause her pain, but when you are in that situation and you are a mother/father yourself you understand what kind of agony one would go through in that kind of a situation. We felt awful, we told the nurse we would leave and she insisted that we stay. She said our birth mother wanted us to stay, she wanted us to enjoy time with Megan and to spend time with her. What an amazing young woman. I'm not sure I would be able to do that if I were in her shoes. I think I might have been thinking "you'll get her for the rest of her life, now is my time." Words just can not describe the respect and love we have for her. To be able to think of us during this difficult time was so Christ like. She did not want us to see her in pain, she knew it would be too hard but she wanted us to be able to spend time with Megan as well. It was so hard to stay, everything in me wanted to leave. How could we enjoy this precious little baby when we knew our birth mother was in another room crying? The nurse insisted we stay so we did. I think we may have stayed 30 minutes and then left. It's hard to describe the feelings and emotions that you go through during this process but I can honestly say you are brought to a new depth of humility by the actions of another. It's interesting because a lot of people asked us "Did you just have an overwhelming feeling the first time you held her? Did you just know she was yours?!" I think both of us wanted so badly to say yes but I think mostly, we felt heart ache for our birth mother and her family to be honest. Yes, we loved our little Megan...there is no doubt about that but I think our emotions were high and it was such a long process with the labor, the hospital stay and the time she had with her at home that by Saturday night I told my mom "The best way to describe how I feel inside is...would be like I stuck my finger in a light socket." On Wednesday night when I stayed with her, she said she actually wasn't even sure she wanted to bring her home and was thinking of just letting us take her home from the hospital. I know her emotions must have been all over the place so I just took it with a grain of salt and tried to be prepared for whatever she decided. On Friday when she wasn't sure if she was going to be released she thought she might have us take Megan home for a night and then give her back to her on Saturday so she could have her time, etc. Our caseworker called us on Friday and said she had visited with our birth mother and her dad and they said they were going to have our birth mother's mom bring Megan to our house on Saturday night at 8:00. So we prepared for her to come, set up her play pen with the bassinet inside and made sure everything was ready to go.

On a side noe...to top off our week, Jason happened to be in charge of his 20 year reunion which was Friday night(in Peoria) and Saturday night (in Tempe). Because she was released on Friday and took her home with her, we went ahead and went to Friday nights reunion get together. At this point, I really felt like this was definitely her time and I figured if she wanted us to come over for any reason she would let us know. While we were at the reunion we got a text from her saying the baby needed more outfits, etc. so we left after the events were done and went to pick up more outfits (I of course never mind that lol). When we dropped it off at her house she answered the door with the baby and invited us in. We learned after a few minutes of being there that she was in some pain because her prescription had not been able to be filled yet so we quickly found a pharmacy that was open and were going to leave to go get it filled. I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she said yes. So I got to finish feeding Megan and change her which I didn't mind in the least of course. After Jason came back we stayed for a few more minutes and left.

Saturday afternoon we heard from our caseworker saying she couldn't get a hold of our birth mother and was wondering if we had heard from her. I had been texting her and everything seemed fine. The next several hours were about as up and down as you can get lol. We went from her mom bringing Megan to us at 8:00, to us picking her up at 10:00 pm, to Sunday at 5 then possibly Monday. I text her mom just to tell her it's ok if she wasn't ready to have her brought that night, we know she wanted her for a few nights and we just wanted to reassure her that we didn't want her to have any regrets and to be able to have things the way she wanted. It was a little nerve racking...I'll be honest. We were supposed to leave by 3:30 to go set up for the reunion, etc. but because we weren't sure what was going on, we actually didn't leave until about 6:30 when our caseworker said we could pick Megan up at 10:00. We packed up the car with the car seat, etc. and drove out to Tempe where things changed a few more times. I am not exactly sure what our birth mother was experiencing at that point and I don't blame her one bit. She did talk to me about that night a while after we had Megan and said she felt pressured from our caseworker, she was getting calls from her dad, etc. and just eventually had to shut her phone off because it got a little crazy. My heart goes out to her for sure. That's a stressful and emotional time. I'm sure we had to each be riding our own personal roller coasters. I don't know what happened but I did tell her this, "It doesn't matter anymore." That's the truth. There is no way for us to know what she was experiencing and vice versa. Was it difficult? Yes! Of course, but we had to keep going and had to keep our faith. I remember just feeling as though my nerves were shot by the time we got to the reunion. Some might ask why in the world we even went. Trust me, we wouldn't have if Jason had not been in charge. But you know what...it actually ended up being a really good thing. Upon arriving I told Jason to go inside and I would be there in a little bit. The one and only person (besides Jason) that I could talk to at that point was my mom. What an amazing support she was to me right then. I just needed her to walk beside me emotionally and she did. She is the one who knows me best and she was the only one that could talk me off my cliff. :-)

After talking with her for quite some time, I went inside and tried to just let go and let things be. We had no control over what was happening and we had to trust that things would work out. We ended up having a nice time at the reunion and even met another couple that had adopted all 4 of their children. We were glad that we went and it was a good distraction for if we had sat home I might have balled up in a corner and cried lol. Some may find it odd, that's ok. That's what we needed at that time and it helped get us through the night. It's interesting the day in age we live in with technology and how fast things can be communicated to the whole world. After returning from the reunion we were relaxing in bed scrolling through Facebook (eek...sad to admit lol) when we saw posts that were between Megan's birth father and birth mother and from the birth father's friends. Just that week in fact, he had sent us a friend request so whatever was posted on his timeline and whatever he was tagged in, we could naturally see. The posts...I will be honest gave us a scare and appeared by all purposes that they were going to be keeping Megan. Talk of future play dates with friend's kids, sleepless nights, etc. were definitely a bit disheartening. This caught us off guard and after how things happened that day/evening it made things a little more challenging to stay positive. Jason put things into perspective for me as I sat and worried. We grew up so different, we didn't have the internet, cell phones, texting or Facebook! I am sure they were proud to post pictures of Megan. She was/is a gorgeous baby. I would be too if I were them. It probably was too difficult to say to friends "Ah, no we won't be having play dates because we are placing her for adoption." I get it...so while from our perspective it was a difficult thing to see we could make sense of it and understand why. It still didn't mean that I didn't worry but truly and honestly...it was out of our hands and so the only thing we could do was put it in the Lord's hands.
Sunday came definitely with some anxiety about how the day would go. We had asked some close family and friends if they would join us in a fast, we also brought our kids together and asked if they would fast with us as well. It was a neat experience to be able to do that, to be able come together as a family and to have those that you love - support you. Sunday came and at about 5:30 our birth mother came with her mom. Our caseworker was there for her to sign a few papers and as she left we each gave her a hug and started to cry. It was a quick good-bye but we really hope that we conveyed how much we loved her and how truly grateful we were and are. After everyone left, we told the kids they could come down to meet their sister. I actually have a video of the kids coming down from the stairs and the first time they saw her. So sweet to be able to capture that moment. You could just tell they loved her from the very start. Tyson was the first to hold her and was just in heaven. Nate was too afraid to hold her at the beginning but then finally decided to hold her. The picture is priceless as it just depicts how he was, she was so tiny he did not want to break her! :-) My dear friend brought us dinner, Jason's brother and his family came over and we sat and talked and held that precious little girl. It was surreal, we could hardly believe it and we were overjoyed to be able to have her in our home.

Monday came and by 5:30 I got a text from Hannah our caseworker, saying that our birth mother signed her papers and that she was on her way to have us sign our paperwork. After we signed our paperwork we had Hannah take our first official family picture. :-) We also of course now, had the privilege of letting everyone know! We notified all those that knew about it and then sent out a mass text to family and friends who did not know. Living in our day in age where Facebook notifies you immediately of the latest events...we couldn't resist and posted it on Facebook as well. The response and support from everyone was overwhelming...again another humbling experience. One of our fondest memories was getting visits that night from our neighbors who live on our street. They were shocked and so so happy for us. We had a little neighborhood party in our loft that night lol. It was so fun to get to show her off and to share in our joy and excitement. I was worried that people may have been offended that we kept it so quiet but not one single person ever said anything to us about that. I appreciate that so much. I appreciate the fact that they were so respectful and that they were able to support us regardless. So thankful for all the love and support that was given, we truly were overwhelmed by it. The next few days were filled with calls, texts, visits, etc. We had dear friends and family bring us dinner to which I am truly grateful for because even though I wasn't recovering from delivering a baby...I most definitely had my hands full and appreciated the help so much.

I titled this post our adoption journey because truly that's what it was and is and forever will be. We started the process in February of 2012 and here I am on the 3rd of April...with a beautiful (almost) 6 month old baby girl about to have her sealed to us in a week. Life's experiences will forever change who you are and this has truly changed us for the better. Yes, it was difficult but we knew that going into it. Anyone who thinks adoption is easy is sadly mistaken. But I can tell you that it is well worth it. We will forever be grateful for those who helped us through this journey, for a loving Heavenly Father who answered our prayers, for each other, for the Gospel and most definitely for little Miss Megan's birth parents.